Little Warrior

Today we went to the crematorium. Yes, crematorium. Isn't that weird? It was an out-of-body experience to be there picking out a tiny urn for Wyatt. I want to do a small ceremony for him when we go backpacking in August.

Anyway, we went to this place, which was impossible to find. I woke up feeling out of sorts and exhausted and looking back seemed to play the part of "quiet person who lost their baby" just because I didn't know what else to do and the whole thing was surreal. JP was great and he was all about business and honestly made the trip happen, because otherwise, I would have caved though it was something I'd really wanted.

So. We were there and the place looked stale and very dated. There was a (much) older woman who must have volunteered there for hundreds years. Everything smelled kind of stale. This lady was nice enough but not completely sympathetic (still trying to figure out how people act around this type of thing). She walked us through all of the paperwork and then said that we could spend some time alone picking out the type of urn we would like. We immediately walked over to the tiny pill box sized vessels and she said, "Oh no, you should look at the next size up." (The size of a small salt or pepper shaker).

"Oh," I said, "what are these tiny ones for then?" thinking is there a smaller being that would be cremated? She replied cheekily, "Those are just in case you want a piece of grandma!"

So, we tried to find something in the proper size that didn't--in Jared's words--resemble an Easter egg. We got a simple silver urn with a subtle pattern on it and called it good.

Then we paid and Jared detached himself from my side--I just realized how glued together I have felt to him the past few days--and headed to the rest room leaving me and the Crematorium lady to sit in silence together, she at her desk and me in a chair placed awkwardly far from her desk, making small talk challenging. Not that I wanted it, but still.

She looked up at me over her spectacles, and said gently:

"Do you know what the name Wyatt means?"

I shook my head no.

"Little Warrior" she replied, her eyes twinkling.

And with that, Jared came out of the bathroom and we headed out. The moment between me and the Crematorium lady was over, but now that I know this, his name seems an even better fit--if only as a reminder to be strong when I need it.

The Way We Grieve

Last night, a friend picked me up for a little ice cream cheer. It goes without saying that it is extremely hot here in the desert (and stays light out ridiculously late), so we close up our house, drawing the blinds and battening down the hatches to ward off the sun.

When my friend came to the door, my immediate reaction was to explain that the house was dark because it was hot out. I felt overwhelmingly self-conscious and aware of what our grief might look like to others. I felt the need to show that we are ok and to protect others from any darkness that might be lurking. These days I feel so incredibly vulnerable--from exhaustion, from the physical act of losing the baby and of course, from crying so much.

Explaining away the darkness made me think of how rarely we let other people see our uglies. I was surprised at how afraid I was that people would run from a situation that is hard to talk about. I am scared to be isolated within it and crave the light, seek out the sun and insist on finding the strength in others and their love.

Thankfully we are taking time to really feel the depths of this. I know we need to welcome the dark days and bad feelings to get through it.

So, despite the tears, we laugh.
Despite the sinking waves of grief, we float.

Despite the fact that every other frappin person seems to be pregnant, we snuggle our friend's babies and share in their exciting news.

And mostly, despite the darkness we can still feel the light.

Prognosis

We had our last doctors appointment to review test results and are so happy and relieved to know that I am 100% healthy, our baby was 100% healthy, and there aren't any unusual risks or concerns for future pregnancies.

The prognosis was Chorioamnionitis, a rare infection that couldn't be prevented, detected, or treated. Dr. thinks that the subchorionic hemmorrhage weakened the placental membrane making me more susceptible to infection which makes sense.

The doctors constantly referred to our situation as a "fluke" throughout this experience, something that was really difficult to hear while we were looking for answers. Especially because every detail of pregnancy is scrutinized and over-explained (see getting rid of pregnancy books). There are so many tests and tests to verify tests. So, to say our experience was a "fluke" feels very casual and off-handed. Now that we're back to our regular routines it's hard to believe this happened at all.

Unfolding

"I want to unfold. I don't want to stay folded anywhere, because where I stay folded, there I am a lie." -Rilke

This week I've been nowhere except for in bed resting, soaking up sun and healing in the garden where I had the rare opportunity to watch this cone flower open.

Each day JP and I would plan simple walks in the foothills and each day, instead we would gravitate to our gardens and work side-by-side riding out the "waves" as they came. This has been one of the biggest comforts. Plus our yard is looking seriously awesome right now!

Loved Ones,

We are so sad to share that yesterday, we lost our sweet promise of a baby. The past few days have been an unexpected rollercoaster and yesterday around 10:30 I went into very early pre-term labor at home and suffered a miscarriage. We were at 15 weeks.

We share this news with big and hopeful hearts for the future and thank you for all of your good spirit and company along the way. Because this is such a profound loss right now, we very much feel the need to talk about it and acknowledge this part of our journey and as such wanted to get the word out as quickly as possible. We are happy to talk about it; please don't feel shy!

Much love,
H & J

Us at 14 Weeks

We celebrated Jared's first Father's Day in McCall and my tummy seemed to pop out for the occasion! He got the Adventures of Curious George Collection. We ate well, hiked along the river and I slept and took a lot tubs while Jared read A Child Is Born to me. It was so nice to be away. I've been feeling pretty blah and am happy to have cleared the first trimester--hopefully I'll feel better soon!

Guest House

Before I knew I was pregnant, I had an appointment with my acupuncturist. After our typical check-in, she asked about my concerns and very off-handedly, I mentioned that I was a little bit late for my period, though I wasn't surprised since we just got back from our trip.

She checked my pulse and looked at my tongue (business as usual) but then gave me a different treatment than usual. It didn't click until I was on my way home, and I wondered for a second, "If" and then... "Nah!" Well, she knew I was pregnant before we did but hadn't wanted to get our hopes up which I can really appreciate.

Anyway, a month later I sat down in the same office, smiling ear to ear. And she smiled ear to ear. And then we jumped up and down! I said, "You knew!" and she knew.

She said she had been thinking for a while about the type of treatment she wanted to share with me throughout my pregnancy (how awesome is she?) and described "jing". I know a bit about acupuncture (thanks to you!) but had never heard of jing, only qi, or "vital energy". Jing is basically one's essence. So, she was going to treat points that would (in her words) "make the baby more of who he or she already is". She went on to say that this didn't mean "prettier", or "smarter" of course, just more of him or herself.

This blew me away. I was so touched by the simplicity and beauty of this concept. Couldn't we all stand to be more of who we are?

Now, this I am not 100% on, but as I remember it, she looked up jing and literally translated, it means "guest house".

I have never been a guesthouse before! I love that idea. After telling my friend about this experience she was reminded of the following quote, which again bowled me over. I am so easily "bowledoverable" these days.

"Your children are not your children they are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you..." The Prophet

Heartbeat

The foothills are blanketed with Bachelor's Buttons. Heaven...

Dr. appointment and happy we are at 12 weeks (2% chance of miscarriage). We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time! I have never heard a sound so sweet and so sure. It is strong, steady, and still on the fast side.

No more pregnancy books.

Today I traded in my pregnancy books. I'd gotten a few of the classics - What to Expect When You're Expecting (awful!), Mayo Clinic (much better), and a Baby Name book that I can't think of the title for. I immediately devoured them upon purchase and referred back pretty religiously, until... totally contrary to my nature, I started to worry about every little thing. Am I spotting too much? "It could be normal", "You should be concerned." Am I showing too soon? "It could be because you are petite", "It could be because you are gassy." And of course looking for answers on the internet is a really slippery slope into paranoia--too much information. AHHH!

What I realized is that my experience is unique to me. I have an innate understanding of what is happening to my body and I was starting to doubt--no lose--my intuition and the fun spirit of this journey. So, out the books went with the exception of my favorite, A Child Is Born. This one captures the magic! Soon I will post ultrasounds and maybe even comparison photos from this book--they are pretty spectacular. The book also summarizes the baby's development week by week. No wonder pregnancy is so tiring--something new is happening every day!

8.5 Weeks

And, here is! The little being, right here. "It" has graduated into an official fetus and is the size of a large strawberry. Life is sweet.

Yesterday we met Dr. West who will be joining us on this adventure. He is as laid back as they come and we really like him.

As I was getting my ultrasound, you could see a very fast heart rate and the area where the brain lives (the dark spot). Dr. West told us that if you are into wives tales, fast heart rates mean you are having a girl. Jared actually dreamt that it would be a boy. When asked what the dream was like, it was pretty straight forward: "Oh, well, we went to the Dr., they did an ultrasound, and we could all clearly see it was a boy!" So, there you go.

We want to find out what we are having and should know in early August. Usually weeks go by so quickly, but since finding out it seems like time has slowed to a crawl.

Most important, Dr. West told us everything looks very good and that our chances of miscarriage have dropped to below 5%. As I was laying on the table having the ultrasound. I let out what must have been a cross between a sigh, a laugh, and a cry! I hadn't realized I was so worried about that possibility.

Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom,
This year I can't help thinking about motherhood in a new way. From one lilac thief to another, and though it is still early, I feel lucky to join your special ranks. You have been an amazing example of what it means to be a mother and I can't wait to share this experience with you.

There is so much that seems scary and wonderful--really just bigger than me. Even though I know it wasn't easy (I'm sure it often sucked actually), looking back, I mostly remember grace. You always made sure we had fun and felt loved. We did and we still do. I can't wait to pass our traditions and loves on to this little one--your GRANDBABY!

I love you so much and can't wait to celebrate with you in a couple of weeks.

Holly

The City Goes Bloom

Today I took my camera for a walk. It felt so good to have the sun on my face again and watch the city come to life. It felt like I was walking around with the best kind of secret.

Excitement

During the Spring equinox we planted our cool crops. Mesclun mix, butter lettuce, carrots, peas, kale, and spinach. Turns out I was pregnant during our honeymoon, which explains the sleepy days.

After getting back from San Francisco, I was late for my period but figured it was from traveling. Jared "had a feeling" though and we walked to the store to get some milk and a pregnancy test. Bumping into each other with exitement, Stoli, Jared and I gathered in the bathroom awaiting the results. First test? Positive! Second test? Positive! Due date? December 16th, my birthday.

It's funny... I was so sure I would know I was pregnant the moment it happened. No idea. Jared seems to be the one with intuition in this department. And so begins our journey of humbling surprises.

Honeymooners